I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
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No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs