He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
You Might Also Like
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
When you’re here for the treats.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks