Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
You Might Also Like
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
#catsoftwitter
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.