The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
rise and shine we got egg
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
dream blunt rotation
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.