So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
spicy snake
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.