Moms. The original autocorrect.
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student