If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
You Might Also Like
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna