I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
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I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*