Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
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Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
That’s no pocket rocket.