I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
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That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*Seductively hides in the woods
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”