I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
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I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.