I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
You Might Also Like
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.