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The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
can’t bark with your mouth full
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.