Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
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me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Huge, if true.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…