When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
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Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?