“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
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spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
brian had himself a morning…
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.