My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
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Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
wait.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun