Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
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I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?