Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Lmao
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
LMAO.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Note to self: I am a note
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here