8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
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Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever