Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
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Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Flowers bee like
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess