Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
#damn
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015