“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam