I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock