Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
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I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
My Sentiments Exactly
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Mission: Impossible