All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
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got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
😎 🍻
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Grandmother clock.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs