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I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away