4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.