I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
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“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
My dog ate my work from home.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.