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me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Donating blood today to make room for more food