It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
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*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
yes… yes…
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
📽️movie date🎞️
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
What an awful time to have common sense.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.