A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
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Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth