I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.