It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
You Might Also Like
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
WHO DID THIS?
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive