So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Probably my best painting.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”