I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
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Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now