“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
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“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.