I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
You Might Also Like
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
dude it’s called proctologist
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Left at a local drug store…
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
🤣✨#caturday
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Okay me first
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.