Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
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We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.