“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You Might Also Like
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Body: we鈥檙e going to bed
Brain: that doesn鈥檛 mean we鈥檙e going to sleep
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there鈥檚 no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I鈥檓 a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I鈥檓 taking one.
A drum solo but on your face.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 馃崵
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*