Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
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They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth