Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
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Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
We like the way Dwight thinks
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again