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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
2022 be like
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”