I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
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Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Bless you
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks