convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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How your email finds me
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
was Jim off killing horses or…
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…