IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean