Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
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The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows