Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
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I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
For those that worship cheese..
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
R.I.P.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back