All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
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“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”