Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
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I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
somebody come look at this
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.